Painfully Healing Words

Several years ago a friend of mine taught me the importance of a few words that changed my life. They have proved to be very painful and deeply healing at the same time. They are not difficult to understand or articulate but require significant character and maturity to apply. I admit, my character and maturity are not always up to the task.

The words are:

I am sorry.

I am wrong.

Please forgive me.

You may be thinking that you know these phrases, and you would be right. They are common. I knew them when my friend first shared them with me. What I came to realize is knowing the words and putting them into practice is very different.

Let's examine each phrase.

I am sorry

This phrase is a common apology. When you say you are sorry it is often received by the offended person as an admission of regret. To say, "I am sorry" is a statement of sympathy for the feelings of the person you have wounded. It is often seen as a heartfelt apology.

When you have a friend or a loved one who you have deeply wounded they need to know that you recognize that they are hurt. You may or may not agree that they ought to feel that way they do. However, your opinion of the validity of their pain doesn't matter. What matters is that your friend is hurting and you are aware of her pain.

However, sympathizing with the pain of the person you wounded if not enough.

I am wrong

This is a key phrase. The importance of saying to a person you have wounded that your words, action or tone of voice was wrong cannot be overstated. This phrase takes your first statement of sympathetic apology to a deeper level. You are not merely sympathizing with the pain of the person that you hurt, you are admitting that you played apart in their pain. While you may not be the sole cause of their pain you are willing to recognize that you are, at least in part, responsible.

Taking responsibility for our own wrong actions is significantly undervalued in our society. In our culture it is common to blame our offenses against one another, on our genes, on our family history or even the devil. It has become increasingly rare for a person to admit that he is wrong.

It takes a person of maturity and character to be willing to own his own mistakes before the person that he has wounded. This statement is hard but it is so worth it!

So far, you have sympathized with the pain of your friend, and admitted that your actions played some role in the pain they feel. This is wonderful progress but we are not finished yet.

Please forgive me

To ask for forgiveness is to ask the offended person to undergo a change in feelings and attitude regarding the offense, let go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, and to wish you well. You are asking your friend to now longer use the offense against you ever again.

You were wrong and caused pain to another person. You are inviting that other person to give you what you are not worthy of- forgiveness.

That's it

I want to share with you what I find to be the most difficult part, you stop. You stop explaining yourself. You stop justifying your actions. You stop acting and sounding defensive. You stop talking about you and let the words start the healing process. That's it.

I am not suggesting that this will fix all relationship wounds. There are some relational rifts that require much deeper work and even extended counseling.

I am simply sharing what I am learning and trying to live out. My hope is that the use of these simple words will bring healing and life to the relationships with the people that matter to us most.