Sorry

Have you every had a song get stuck in your head? I have. I do!
I have had a song stuck in my head for awhile. I am not sure why. To be honest, I am writing this blog post in hopes that the process of writing will release me from bondage to this song.
The song that has been traveling with me this week is a song by pop artist Justin Bieber titled “Sorry.” At some point the song entered my thought space and has refused to leave. In case you are unfamiliar with the catchy song allow me to share a few of the lyrics with you.

You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty

You know I try but I don't do too well with apologies

I hope I don't run out of time. Could someone call a referee?

'Cause I just need one more shot at forgiveness

I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice

And by once or twice I mean maybe a couple of hundred times

So let me, oh, let me redeem, oh, redeem, oh, myself tonight

'Cause I just need one more shot, second chances

Yeah

Is it too late now to say sorry?

The song is a plea for forgiveness from a lost lover. A last ditch effort for another chance. The big question, “Is it too late now to say sorry?” The sad reality is that relationships get broken. Everyone has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. Some relationships can be repaired but many become so severed that they move beyond the hope of reconciliation. The result is pain.  

Deep, gut wrenching pain. 

No more shots at forgiveness.

Nothing can be done to redeem.

No more second chances.

The pain is so deep that we feel like we are going to die.
In Ephesians 1 the Apostle Paul, a man familiar with pain and rejection, writes

In [Jesus] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,

Paul says that through Jesus we can have redemption. We can have forgiveness. Jesus lived a perfect life of love and faithfulness to God and other people. Jesus loved the people he created but they rejected him.
This rejection was painful. In his pain Jesus did not merely feel like he was going to die, he really died. He was put to death on the cross. It is because Jesus died and shed his blood that you and I can experience the redemption, reconciliation and forgiveness we long for. In Jesus we get a second chance.
Are you in need of a second chance today? Are you looking for one more shot at forgiveness?
Is it too late now to say sorry? No. Never.
Jesus is waiting for you to come and ask him for the forgiveness your heart longs for most. Come to him and allow Jesus to lavish on you the riches of God’s grace. 

This was originally posted on openfor.business

70% Rule: Keeping your leadership composure

Do you like getting in your own way? I do. My default mode is to think that I am always right and that my ideas are better than the rest of the world. I believe that the world would be a better place if people would just listen to me.

Have you ever left a meeting frustrated and convinced that you knew the right course of action, but the group decided on a different direction? Have you ever left your bosses office fuming because your idea was turned down? When was the last time you berated the leadership of your organization over a lunch with colleagues because of all of the stupid decisions your executives made?

Those are common feelings and emotions for anyone who has worked a job. They are even more frequent for those who care deeply about the product and mission of their company or organization.


How can you keep from storming out of boardrooms, tossing papers in disgust and saying things you may soon regret? How can you keep your leadership composure? Should you care less? Should you find another line of work? Probably not. For most of us the problem is that we like our ideas too much.

I would like to share a principle that I learned which I think might help you keep your leadership composure. I call it the 70% rule. This rule is an internal governor that helps manage a significant tension. Every leader must balance tension. On the one hand, he understands the importance of taking a position on an issue. On the other hand, when people disagree with him or reject his idea he often burns with anger or melts down in self-pity. The 70% rule helps manage this tension.

Every leader will have a default setting towards one side of the tension. This default setting is often a result of our natural temperament or learned leadership behavior. Some leaders are naturally decisive. They make a decision quickly, decisively and rarely look back. Other leaders are prone to lead by consensus often extending the decision-making timeline. The 70% rule is not intended to glorify one over the other but rather to help leaders identify which he or she is most prone towards and make progress towards balance.

Confident Blindness

A danger that many leaders face is to become impressed with their thinking on an issue. When this happens, the leader often loses objectivity. She can become blinded by the confidence of her decision-making process. This blindness will keep her from seeing others points of view. Confidence blindness is when a leader believes his or her decision is 80% or 90% correct. There may be a 10% or even a 20% chance that another opinion may be best but only a very slim chance. Confidence blindness often causes a leader to believe her opinion to be correct at a 98% to 99% level.

The impact of confidence blindness in a leader is that she can become pushy during a group discussion only concerned with sharing her idea. She may come across as arrogant having everything already figured out without the input of others. She can become frustrated and impatient when the discussion goes in a different direction than her idea. She will leave angry when she feels her idea was voted down. When a leader consistently displays confidence blindness, her colleagues will feel devalued and will doubt her leadership composure.

I was in the Chicago airport recently when a businesswoman seated near me spoke loudly and openly of her discontent with her trip. She said, “Why did you send me to Chicago? He didn’t even listen to a word I said.”

The Squishy Middle

At first adopting a 50/50 position, appears to be a very diplomatic and maybe even noble position. The thinking goes, “I can see both sides” or “Each side has many valid points.” These observations are a true description of every hard decision. The reality is that a 50/50 position is no position at all. It is simply the squishy middle ground. The reality is the leader doesn’t know his mind and, therefore, cannot be helpful in a discussion or decision. To adopt a 50/50 position will not enable a leader to exert the influence he desires.

Every leader will travel through the squishy middle on most issues. Some leaders move through this middle at the speed of light and others slog through the muck and mire for a considerable amount of time before they emerge. Often the more difficult and public the issue, the longer many leaders linger in the murky middle. But every leader must emerge from the squishy middle of 50/50, or he will be unable to lead.

I recently heard Jim share an all-to-familiar story. Jim shared of his former boss who was a smart, talented and winsome man. However, the longer Jim worked for his boss, the more he realized the difficulty his boss had emerging from the murky middle ground in making decisions.   Jim reported, “On one project my boss indicated the direction he wanted the project to go. I diligently began working on the project with my team. A day or two later I happily reported the progress my team had made. His response was, ‘Oh yeah, about that. I am not sure that we are going in the right direction on that project. ”

Every boss needs the freedom to change her mind from time to time. However, a consistent pattern of indecision will undermine a leader’s ability to keep leadership composure.

The 70% Rule

I would like to suggest a good rule of thumb for a leader is to aim for 70% during your personal decision-making process. I understand that this may come across as sounding mediocre. Rest assured that I am not advocating for you to aim to be average. Arriving at 70% on an issue will ultimately assist you in both emerging from the squishy middle of indecision and protect you from being sucked into the vortex of confident blindness.

The concept is simple to understand yet difficult to maintain. If the guide for a leader in personal decision-making is to arrive at 70%, it will push him to arrive at a decision. It will force him to have a well-informed opinion. You cannot reach 70% without moving passed the point of indecision and onto the solid ground of certainty.

However, the aim of 70% will help protect the leader from becoming too enamored with his or her idea. It is so easy for a leader to allow his opinions to rise in his mind to 80%,90%, even 99%. Keeping in mind the aim of 70% will protect the heart and emotions of the leader. It will help him keep perspective on the topic at hand. It will allow her to humbly receive alternate ideas. I believe this simple guideline will help you become a better leader and keep your leadership composure.

Jeff is a leader who understood and applies the 70% rule in his leadership. Jeff is a high-level manager and is responsible to make many decisions every day. When interacting with the ideas presented to him by his direct reports he will often say, “This my preference but I will go with whatever you think is best.” When he has to make the hard decision to go in a different direction than his report desires he will clearly state, “We need to move in a different direction. I made this decision not in lieu of your idea but in full view of your valuable input.” The people who work for Jeff feel valued and respected despite the final decision. Adopting and applying the 70% rule give a leader the best opportunity to maintain his leadership composure.

Shame on me

The other day I saw a teenage boy wearing a superman t-shirt. You know, a t-shirt with an "S" logo on it. I have to admit that I am not a big superhero fan. I like superheros but I will not be the first person in line at the movies to see Ironman 75 or Super Friends Strike Back or whatever the next big superhero blockbuster will be. 

I may not drop $20 bucks on a superhero night at the movies but I am drawn to superman. The man of steel. I recently realized the reason is because that is how I want others to perceive me. I want others to think that I am bulletproof. I want to BE bulletproof. I don't mean bullets that come out of a gun (although that would be kinda cool). I mean, I want the bullets of critique and criticism to bounce off my chest. I want the bullets of pain, suffering and disappointment to be unable to penetrate my soul. I want to be bulletproof......but I am not. I am far from it.

The reality is that I sometimes feel the sting of critique very deeply. I may respond with grace in the face of criticism but it often haunts me in my mind throughout the day. I find that I can easily wallow in bitterness, resentment and self pity. I have had many nights when the disappointments of the day have left me awake at 3am unable to settle my mind.

I recently watched a TED talk by Dr Brene' Brown on shame. 

Dr Brown says "shame is the swamp land of the soul." She goes on to paint a vivid picture of what shame is and why shame is an epidemic in our country. 

According to Dr. Brown shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is that feeling that there is something about me that if someone else finds out or sees I will no longer be worthy of connection.

I realized that that is why I want to be superman. That is why I want a big "S" on my chest. I don't want to admit that I have flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections. I don't want to face them. I don't want anyone else to see them. 

Here is the deal- when I am forced to stare my imperfections straight in the face I sweat, I cower and I have a complete loss of self. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I feel like I should have known better, done better and been better. I know inside that I am no longer worthy of connectedness. I am not worthy of connecting with others or them connecting with me. It is overwhelming.

Dr Brown has learned through her research that "the antidote to shame is empathy." She says that two of the most powerful words in overcoming shame are "me too."

I have been wondering how I might apply this antidote to shame in my own life. I arrived at 3 practices towards overcoming shame. 
  

Courageous Honesty

I need to have the courage (and it does take courage) to admit that I am not superman. I have to willingly, courageously and regularly admit that to myself and to others. 

I have to also remind myself that no one really wants me to be or expects me to be superman. It is hard to be friends with superman because, after all, who can relate to him.

Reserve Judgement

I need to cultivate relationships with people with whom I can share openly, honesty and courageously with out the concern of judgement. I need to be the type of friend to whom others can come and know that they will not be judged but will be received with understanding and grace.

Apply Faith

The Bible speaks of Jesus in this way

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Jesus knows all of my shame, emotions, and temptations. He understands. Jesus says "me too." 

I need to apply this by believing that I can go to him in my imperfections, because he understands. I can go to Jesus and know I will not be judged. When I go to Jesus I know that I will not be rejected as unworthy of connectedness. No, far from it! I go with confidence knowing that I will receive mercy, grace and help in my time of need.

So.....onward I go. No superhero, no Superman.....just a regular old Clark Kent.

July 4th- Gravity & Gratitude

July 4th has always been a special holiday in my life. As a child, I remember the 4th of July being full of family, swimming in my aunts pool, and watermelon balls that my dad meticulously scooped from half of a sliced watermelon. I loved staying up late to watch the fireworks display at the football stadium in my hometown.

Those celebrations were also special because July 4th was the date of my grandparents anniversary. Each year our extended family would get together and at some point during the day we would stop the food and games to celebrate the love my grandparents had for one another. To be honest, I recognize the significance of those moments much more now than I did as a kid. I was blessed to have grandparents who loved each other, loved their family and loved Jesus.

Papaw and Mamaw

July 4th is also my brother's birthday. I have vivid memories of one birthday when Joe received a red scooter. It was the coolest! Nowadays it seems like every kid has Razor scooter or two in the garage, not back in the day. On that July 4th my brother became the only kid on the block with a scooter. It was a momentous moment on Maylawn Ave....at least that's how I remember it. 

My Brother Joe

Each year (before and after that momentous moment) I am proud to celebrate the birthday of my brother Joe. He is my brother, a fellow Michigan Wolverine Fan (Go Blue!), a loving father and husband, a committed Jesus follower, and my dear friend. Happy Birthday Bro! I love you!

In all of the family and fun of July 4th for me growing up, I confess, I did not reflect much on freedom. I am not sure why that was. In recent years, I have become much more aware of the sacrifices that so many men and women have made to serve our country. For some reason, that I can't explain well, my patriotism has become personal. I routinely wipe tears from my eyes during the singing of the Star Spangled Banner. I have a deeper gratitude when I see men and women in military uniform. 

I recently presided over a funeral where the burial took place at Fort Snelling. As I drove through the military cemetery and viewed the perfect rows of white headstones I was overcome with the gravity of the sacrifice that so many have made for our country. I was also grateful for opportunity to live in such a great country.

May your July 4th celebration be marked by the gravity of sacrifice and with gratitude for the freedom you enjoy.

Happy 4th of July!

A Prayer for Emanuel AME Church

Heavenly Father,

I know that you are good. I believe that all things are in your loving hands. I worship you for all that you are.

And yet, we don't live in a vacuum. We live, as Christians, in the midst of the brokenness of this world that surrounds us. A world in which a prayer meeting in a church is turned into a crime scene. A world in which people are willing to take the life of another person.

I repent that while I do care about this horrific act, I do not care as much as I ought. I long to be in prayer for this church and yet I do not pray as fervently as I ought. I confess that while I may have never pulled the trigger of a gun, my heart is not immune to hatred towards others.

Father, forgive us. We have seen significant racial tensions in our country over the past 12 months. We have seen significant loss of life. We have seen injustice. 

The Bible says that you are a God of justice. We come believing in you, trusting in you and pleading with you to be at work in our country and in the hearts of people to restore. We ask that you will renew. 

Will you please comfort those children who have lost a parent because of this tragedy. I pray that you will be at work in the lives of the parents of this 21 year old man. Father, you are the God of all comfort so will you do your comforting work in the ways that only you can.

I pray for courage for this church, this faith community. May they be able to stand strong in the face of adversity. Grant that they will stand strong and in unity with one another. Help them to display the love of Christ in the face of brokenness.

I pray for grace. I pray that your grace will abound. That this church will experience how your grace is sufficient even in these times of adversity and trial. I pray that your healing power will be at work. I pray that some how through the ashes and devastation that your name will receive the glory and praise that you are due. I confess that I do not know how you will work. I pray that stories of faith will emerge from this church and that they will bring glory and praise to your name.

In the name of our Lord and Savior
Amen 

Painfully Healing Words

Several years ago a friend of mine taught me the importance of a few words that changed my life. They have proved to be very painful and deeply healing at the same time. They are not difficult to understand or articulate but require significant character and maturity to apply. I admit, my character and maturity are not always up to the task.

The words are:

I am sorry.

I am wrong.

Please forgive me.

You may be thinking that you know these phrases, and you would be right. They are common. I knew them when my friend first shared them with me. What I came to realize is knowing the words and putting them into practice is very different.

Let's examine each phrase.

I am sorry

This phrase is a common apology. When you say you are sorry it is often received by the offended person as an admission of regret. To say, "I am sorry" is a statement of sympathy for the feelings of the person you have wounded. It is often seen as a heartfelt apology.

When you have a friend or a loved one who you have deeply wounded they need to know that you recognize that they are hurt. You may or may not agree that they ought to feel that way they do. However, your opinion of the validity of their pain doesn't matter. What matters is that your friend is hurting and you are aware of her pain.

However, sympathizing with the pain of the person you wounded if not enough.

I am wrong

This is a key phrase. The importance of saying to a person you have wounded that your words, action or tone of voice was wrong cannot be overstated. This phrase takes your first statement of sympathetic apology to a deeper level. You are not merely sympathizing with the pain of the person that you hurt, you are admitting that you played apart in their pain. While you may not be the sole cause of their pain you are willing to recognize that you are, at least in part, responsible.

Taking responsibility for our own wrong actions is significantly undervalued in our society. In our culture it is common to blame our offenses against one another, on our genes, on our family history or even the devil. It has become increasingly rare for a person to admit that he is wrong.

It takes a person of maturity and character to be willing to own his own mistakes before the person that he has wounded. This statement is hard but it is so worth it!

So far, you have sympathized with the pain of your friend, and admitted that your actions played some role in the pain they feel. This is wonderful progress but we are not finished yet.

Please forgive me

To ask for forgiveness is to ask the offended person to undergo a change in feelings and attitude regarding the offense, let go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, and to wish you well. You are asking your friend to now longer use the offense against you ever again.

You were wrong and caused pain to another person. You are inviting that other person to give you what you are not worthy of- forgiveness.

That's it

I want to share with you what I find to be the most difficult part, you stop. You stop explaining yourself. You stop justifying your actions. You stop acting and sounding defensive. You stop talking about you and let the words start the healing process. That's it.

I am not suggesting that this will fix all relationship wounds. There are some relational rifts that require much deeper work and even extended counseling.

I am simply sharing what I am learning and trying to live out. My hope is that the use of these simple words will bring healing and life to the relationships with the people that matter to us most.

3 Important Implications of Hope

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

It is hard to put into words exactly how important hope is for humanity. We need hope in order to get out of bed each morning. We need hope to endure through what Martin Luther King Jr calls "finite disappointment." We all face finite disappointment, don't we? We are disappointed by the weather, our kids, our job, our sports teams, our spouse and often ourselves.

Dr King said we must "never lose infinite hope." The Bible speaks about that infinite hope. Christian hope is unlike how we normally think of hope. We often say, "I hope it doesn't rain on Saturday" or "I hope we can go on vacation this summer." The Bible speaks of hope in very different terms. Christian hope is best defined as confident expectation. For the Christian, hope is rooted in the person and work of Jesus.  

Jesus claimed to be fully God and fully man. He was the only person in history to live a perfect life. Jesus died a horrible death on the cross to pay the penalty for the sins of all of humanity. He did not remain dead. Three days later Jesus rose from the dead, overcoming the power of death. Jesus promised that he will one day return and take all those who believe in him to be with him. 

Death is the one thing that no other human can overcome. No matter how moral, good or religious we may be, we will all one day face death. 

Jesus, however, went into and overcame the infinite darkness of death. Therefore, he is the only one qualified to offer those who trust in him infinite hope. Jesus promised that he will return to be with those who follow him through faith. 

Why does this matter?

Here are 3 practical implications to consider.

1. Purpose

The Christian has a purpose and urgency about life because we know we have been sent on a divine mission, to do a divine task, with divine power, for the glory of God until he returns.

It gives meaning to our existence.

It means:
You are not just the sum total of your biology.
You are not just being tossed about on the waves of chance.
You are not just here to muddle through each day and "hope" to eek out an existence.

No, the Bible says:
You have dignity- because you are made in the image of God.
You have been given talents and abilities that you are to use.
You, as a Christian, have the power of the Holy Spirit to help you.
Jesus will one day return to celebrate your faithfulness.

The Christian life is a life of purpose lived for the glory of God.

2. Priorities

Our time on this earth is short. When you realize that your life has purpose, the reality of Jesus' return will help you order your priorities.

We, as Christians, must allow the priorities of God to become our priorities. You know you are making progress in your Christian life when the priorities of God become your own.

I think this is captured well in the popular praise song by Hillsong United called Hosanna.

"Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause. As I walk from earth into eternity."

When we begin to see the world as Jesus sees the world it will have a significant impact on how we use our time, talent and money.

3. Protects

Christian hope in the return of Jesus ought to protect us from wasting our lives. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day routine of life. It is so easy let our guard down. When you are reminded that you have been given a purpose for your life by God and that your priorities are to align with God's priorities then you will be protected from wasting your life.

What will you have to show for the opportunities you have been given in life?

I fear that we are often more concerned with surrounding ourselves with the comforts of this life than living a life on mission to maximize our impact for God. You only have a finite amount of time to use the gifts, talents and abilities that you have been given until you go to meet Jesus or he returns.
Don’t waste it!