Shame on me

The other day I saw a teenage boy wearing a superman t-shirt. You know, a t-shirt with an "S" logo on it. I have to admit that I am not a big superhero fan. I like superheros but I will not be the first person in line at the movies to see Ironman 75 or Super Friends Strike Back or whatever the next big superhero blockbuster will be. 

I may not drop $20 bucks on a superhero night at the movies but I am drawn to superman. The man of steel. I recently realized the reason is because that is how I want others to perceive me. I want others to think that I am bulletproof. I want to BE bulletproof. I don't mean bullets that come out of a gun (although that would be kinda cool). I mean, I want the bullets of critique and criticism to bounce off my chest. I want the bullets of pain, suffering and disappointment to be unable to penetrate my soul. I want to be bulletproof......but I am not. I am far from it.

The reality is that I sometimes feel the sting of critique very deeply. I may respond with grace in the face of criticism but it often haunts me in my mind throughout the day. I find that I can easily wallow in bitterness, resentment and self pity. I have had many nights when the disappointments of the day have left me awake at 3am unable to settle my mind.

I recently watched a TED talk by Dr Brene' Brown on shame. 

Dr Brown says "shame is the swamp land of the soul." She goes on to paint a vivid picture of what shame is and why shame is an epidemic in our country. 

According to Dr. Brown shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is that feeling that there is something about me that if someone else finds out or sees I will no longer be worthy of connection.

I realized that that is why I want to be superman. That is why I want a big "S" on my chest. I don't want to admit that I have flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections. I don't want to face them. I don't want anyone else to see them. 

Here is the deal- when I am forced to stare my imperfections straight in the face I sweat, I cower and I have a complete loss of self. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I feel like I should have known better, done better and been better. I know inside that I am no longer worthy of connectedness. I am not worthy of connecting with others or them connecting with me. It is overwhelming.

Dr Brown has learned through her research that "the antidote to shame is empathy." She says that two of the most powerful words in overcoming shame are "me too."

I have been wondering how I might apply this antidote to shame in my own life. I arrived at 3 practices towards overcoming shame. 
  

Courageous Honesty

I need to have the courage (and it does take courage) to admit that I am not superman. I have to willingly, courageously and regularly admit that to myself and to others. 

I have to also remind myself that no one really wants me to be or expects me to be superman. It is hard to be friends with superman because, after all, who can relate to him.

Reserve Judgement

I need to cultivate relationships with people with whom I can share openly, honesty and courageously with out the concern of judgement. I need to be the type of friend to whom others can come and know that they will not be judged but will be received with understanding and grace.

Apply Faith

The Bible speaks of Jesus in this way

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Jesus knows all of my shame, emotions, and temptations. He understands. Jesus says "me too." 

I need to apply this by believing that I can go to him in my imperfections, because he understands. I can go to Jesus and know I will not be judged. When I go to Jesus I know that I will not be rejected as unworthy of connectedness. No, far from it! I go with confidence knowing that I will receive mercy, grace and help in my time of need.

So.....onward I go. No superhero, no Superman.....just a regular old Clark Kent.

July 4th- Gravity & Gratitude

July 4th has always been a special holiday in my life. As a child, I remember the 4th of July being full of family, swimming in my aunts pool, and watermelon balls that my dad meticulously scooped from half of a sliced watermelon. I loved staying up late to watch the fireworks display at the football stadium in my hometown.

Those celebrations were also special because July 4th was the date of my grandparents anniversary. Each year our extended family would get together and at some point during the day we would stop the food and games to celebrate the love my grandparents had for one another. To be honest, I recognize the significance of those moments much more now than I did as a kid. I was blessed to have grandparents who loved each other, loved their family and loved Jesus.

Papaw and Mamaw

July 4th is also my brother's birthday. I have vivid memories of one birthday when Joe received a red scooter. It was the coolest! Nowadays it seems like every kid has Razor scooter or two in the garage, not back in the day. On that July 4th my brother became the only kid on the block with a scooter. It was a momentous moment on Maylawn Ave....at least that's how I remember it. 

My Brother Joe

Each year (before and after that momentous moment) I am proud to celebrate the birthday of my brother Joe. He is my brother, a fellow Michigan Wolverine Fan (Go Blue!), a loving father and husband, a committed Jesus follower, and my dear friend. Happy Birthday Bro! I love you!

In all of the family and fun of July 4th for me growing up, I confess, I did not reflect much on freedom. I am not sure why that was. In recent years, I have become much more aware of the sacrifices that so many men and women have made to serve our country. For some reason, that I can't explain well, my patriotism has become personal. I routinely wipe tears from my eyes during the singing of the Star Spangled Banner. I have a deeper gratitude when I see men and women in military uniform. 

I recently presided over a funeral where the burial took place at Fort Snelling. As I drove through the military cemetery and viewed the perfect rows of white headstones I was overcome with the gravity of the sacrifice that so many have made for our country. I was also grateful for opportunity to live in such a great country.

May your July 4th celebration be marked by the gravity of sacrifice and with gratitude for the freedom you enjoy.

Happy 4th of July!